Coming back to the Canoe

Its been a long long really looooooooooooong time since I have updated this blog; Mike is so long gone and many things have changed over the past many months but the protagonist remains the same, me. I left my job at my old workplace about 6 months ago and frankly I feel free. But the people I miss the most are my colleagues. They were these amazing guys who ensured coming to work was worth it. Let me list some of the adventures that used to happen.

Any time anybody from our team went on a 2 week vacation, we used to be ready with some surprise when he comes back. Let me start with BB; when he was out on his vacation, we decorated his cubicle with all gay stuff. His cubicle walls were adorned with posters of topless guys posing. His books were re-arranged to include all sorts of gay books and magazines. Somebody got a plastic rocket and made it seem like a dildo. Well we decided not to stop there. His keyboard and mouse was disconnected from the CPU and the connectors were hidden in the mesh of wires to make it seem that it was still connected. When BB was back it was gratifying watching him clear up the mess.

But then sometimes the contrary happens, like when LG went out on a vacation he set a rule on his mailbox to sent one mail to SR everyday in the morning. Poor SR was confused; imagine receiving an official mail from someone who is away from office.

Birthday celebrations were always beyond belief. When JN had his birthday we decorated his whole cubicle in pink, there were pink ribbons, pink balloons, pink candles, pink flowers and so more pink. The entire cubicle was garbed in a pink aura. On the D-day, we hired a professional to sing him birthday wishes in a pink bunny suit and also got the person to sit on JN’s lap.

Another unforgettable birthday was when DW had his birthday. Before I elaborate on the work of art done to his cubicle, let me tell a bit about his personality. DW is an organized person and his cubicle reflects the same. Everything in his cubicle is organized from his magazines to his paintings. Now imagine what would happen if this orderliness is meddled with. And that’s exactly what we did but we decided to take it a step further. We not only messed up his workplace but also gave it a feel that made it seem like an old lady’s workplace. The desk was adorned with knitting needles and yarns, the paintings were replaced with pictures of kids and flowers, the books and magazines were replaced with girly ones, the chairs were ornamented with red cushions which were more lady-like. It was so well done that all the ladies in the office actually loved it. On the D-day, people came in early armed with camcorders and well nobody missed anything. As they say in a commercial, it was priceless.

Well other than these, there were these small events that kept happening. All in all they were fun days. Now back to reality, imagine me getting time to write this blog in my office; that’s how busy I am. I realize this is a bit different than my usual style, blame it on long inactivity.

Height of Weightlessness

Well I know I was supposed to introduce some new characters but man something unexpected happened. Mike was going home, oh by the way when I say home... I mean he was going back to his home country for a vacation. For the benefit of people who have never been on an airplane there is a weight limit on the amount of baggage one can carry on a plane. Its not like you can carry 500 lbs of personal luggage. That can only happen only if you own a plane, now since you are reading this blog, it very well proves that you own a toy airplane, which can barely fit your finger.

Anyways, moral of the story, there is the limit and Mike was suddenly concerned about it. At first I thought why he ought to be so very concerned. But when I saw the things he was packing I was sure he ought be very concerned. There were chocolates lots of them each weighing a pound, and other accessories, now lets not delve in to the details. So with the weight concern putting him neck deep in water, he decide to weigh the bags. Now the million dollar question... how?

At first he decided to take the bags to a weighing station (the place where they weigh vehicles). It took an eternity for us to convince him that his bag ought to weigh in tonnes to register some weight. Then he came with some other bright ideas, the kind of that would make Newton commit suicide, I cant even suggest them leave alone explain. Well the weighing ideas got so much on to me that finally I suggested that maybe he can take the bags to a morgue since they will have a machine to weigh dead bodies. He actually liked the idea (what am I a born pervert... jeez). Luckily he didn’t execute the idea, THERE’S GOD AND HE ENSURES THAT I DON’T SCREW UP HUMANITY. HALLELUJAH.

One fine evening he got a weighing machine from one of his acquaintance. Alright get ready for the climax. Lemme explain what happened that evening in points.

1. Mike finally got a weighing machine.
2. Suddenly a problem stuck him (poor thing it was too much for him to handle, if he were to be a server then you can expect a dialog “Processes acting weirdly, system totally screwed up, cant even shutdown).
a. Anyways the problem, when the bags were placed on the weighing machine, they were kind of touching the floor. Don’t ask me how, if you cant visualize try placing a bag with a wide base on a small weighing machine. If you didnt get it even after that, join “Mike’s Club”.
3. So one of my honorable roommates, Raai, suggested to him that he weigh himself first, then weigh himself holding the bag, subtract the former weight from the latter and BANG!! he gets the weight of the bag.
4. Mike was like “DUH!!...”. so another 30 minutes spent in explaining the physics behind the entire idea. That’s when I felt “The world would have been a better place with Dinosaurs and Humans living in total harmony” (pssst...don’t try to find the logic).
5. So first Mike weighs himself and then with the bags. Nope... he is not satisfied. So Jita does the same thing, Nope he is not satisfied. By the way the weight of the bags came out to be similar in both cases.
6. That’s when it stuck Jita and Raai that they could have spent the time teaching dogs to fly, they would have been at least 50% successful.
7. Finally Mike takes it to the USPS office and then he was satisfied. Don’t ask how they allowed it, I really have no idea.

So with the weight problem solved Mike is all ready to go. Then I decide to wear my devils hat, so I casually asked Mike “Isn’t there a restriction on the bag size?”. Then........ HA HA HA HA HA (that’s the devils laugh).

The Boring week

After the one exciting first day, well believe it or not I spend the rest of the week thinking of new ways to spend time. I tried calling up the folks I know, surprisingly everyone but me, was busy. They were lamenting about the amount of work they had to complete before the weekend and none of them missed calling me lucky. They were like “Man, you are lucky, no work”. But for me... I was like the warrior, who was all ready for the battlefield with sword and shield, and then being told that the enemy soldiers were baby sitting, so I need to wait. It turned because of the war the price of designer clothes and jewels fell and their wives were out busy shopping. I know it is really a weird example but then I was spending my time doing nothing at all except thinking on how to spend my time.

The entire week was spent waiting for the wives of the enemy soldiers to come back from shopping. Sadly the prices fell everyday and the golden day was yet to come. Back home it was the same old story; roaches, Mike and monster trucks. The weekend was a bit interesting though; me, Projee and some of his friends went down to Atlantic city. Gambling doesn’t interest me, though I like Black Jack, so I spent most of the time watching others play. We went to Hooters for our dinner, the waitress was a pretty girl (of course has to be it was Hooters). One of our dude tried flirting with her,.... I am not really good at narrating tragedies so I am not concluding the events.

After dinner we took a walk on the Boardwalk. As I was walking, I was thinking why it was called Boardwalk. Maybe because we were walking on wooden boards, but then the road beside the Boardwalk was made of Asphalt then it ought to be called Asphaltwalk. Ya... I know what you are thinking @%#$%!@$#@... right?

Some of the folks went to gamble others took up whatever cosy positions they could to catch a wink. Since I was not the kind to gamble I spent the time walking around gawking at the huge gathering around me. The ocean of people, some of them drunk, others gambling, and others who had no business at that place and so were walking around ogling at people (I don’t want to take names). After I was tired doing the above mentioned activity, I slept in a chair trying to keep myself warm in the cold weather. Eventually we reached home and, man!! that night I didn’t hear any monster trucks. I was so tired I slept off, and the weekend was over in a jiffy and it was back to the war front.

Well the second week in my new workplace, the discounts sales were over and the enemy was ready... Finally.
It was fun, first I was introduced with my team then oh no!! disappointed again no grand reception. They will realize my value some day, and I am for sure that day will come in the next century. With my sword all sharpened and the shield, shining, with an armor to match, I entered the battlefield with all the enthusiasm of a dolphin (dolphins always seems to be frolicking so we can assume they are very enthusiastic). Sadly the enthusiasm didn’t last long, either I was too quick with my work or the work was too simple! Well that’s a question that still lingers in my mind, what is it that makes me finish my work in a jiffy, is it that I am real quick with the work or it is too simple?. I just hope the reason for the same is the latter. Why?? Well if you start rushing into things then it becomes a matter of habit. And then you will start rushing into things that you shouldn’t rush into (if you know what I mean, wish I could put a smiley to explain things better!).

Well things was becoming a bit boring and life was seriously becoming dreadful. You come to a new place and you are enthusiastic about it for the first few days and then you become a bit bored about it unless you are having wild parties.

Some happenings at the room, one of the guys in the room moved out and there was a quick replacement, incidentally I came to know that Projee was also moving out. So that would leave four of us...FOUR... I know you are confused. Well see initially there was Mike then another person moved in then Projee moved in, then another guy by the name Jita moved in, then I moved in. Thereafter the another person moved out and a new person name Raai moved in. Now Projee was moving out and that leaves four of us. I told ya it will become very clear when I explain it in detail.

Before I end this part of the blog lets revisit the characters who are going to be a part of this blog for a long time.

Mike - He’s the Creme de la creme of this blog. The one reason I started with this blog. I am indebted to him for this though I am not going to forgive over the microwave episode.

Asyir: the nice guy at the office who helps me often.

Jaith: the beautiful babe at the office.

Rual: the guy who drops me and picks me up from office. Well he is here to stay for a long time in the blog.

Jita: the guy who might have incurred the wrath of the roaches before me. The room was much worse when he moved in.

Raai: the guy on whom I play a lot of pranks. Well he is a nice guy but always takes things seriously. I did ensure that he started taking things lightly.

Toay: not yet introduced but will be coming soon.

As for Projee and others they didn’t pay me for including their name in the blog, so I am not continuing with them. Well actually they are no longer a part of my life so doesn’t make sense continuing them in the blog. Well the cast in the blog is not just restricted to the characters mentioned above, there are going to be lots of them.

As of now I am stopping here. Well what can you expect in the next episodes? Hmmm... lets see, there are these new characters Nitan, Satsi and lot more of Mike.
Chao... folks.

The day after…

The story so far… I, Bobby, reached USA…

I woke up to find the bedroom full with all the 5 of us. The whole room sounded like a musical symphony of snorers. Each one was giving the other person a lead in snoring. Let me make this clear, I don’t snore. What surprised me was how did I sleep through this pandemonium (or the Great American Monster Truck Rally), maybe I was tired from the long journey.

Anyways I woke up and went to make some tea, walking tiptoed, ensuring that I don’t displease the roaches. The kitchen seemed clean except with a bit of leftover food, paper and roaches EVERYWHERE… MAN THEY WERE EVERYWHERE. But then it was cool. I seemed to have got used to this lifestyle and so quickly (Darwin could have published a paper on me). Sad he’s dead, missed a Nobel.

After breakfast (don’t ask me how I ate it, ask Darwin); all of us got ready for work except for Projee, he was there on the bed snoring away royally. I learnt that he could work from home. Lucky I would say.

One of my friends Rual picked me up and dropped me at my workplace.

Ahh… First day at work, filled with curiosity as to how it would be. I was formally dressed; all smiles, smelling old spice and bla bla bla. As I entered the building I found that there was nobody there except for a few cigarettes with a fire at one end and a fool at the other (old joke). This was not the kind of reception I preferred, I expected a 21 gun salute, if not 21 guns at least 1 air gun salute (I am very modest). Sadly there was not even the pop of soda bottle opening.

Alright, with nothing what so ever touching the likes of a pitiful reception, I entered the building. I sat in the sofa near the reception waiting for my colleagues to pick me up. The receptionist was a lovely female, but I was in full control of my emotions, especially the passion to flirt. As I sat over there a beautiful female passed by and gave me a look, a look which said “What are you looking at punk?” After a few seconds and 60 MINUTES later I was escorted to my workplace building. Thankfully I didn’t need to wait long; one of my new colleagues came and picked me up. Let’s call him, Asyir. He was a nice guy and helped me create my temporary ID card.

Now I am going to face a big problem, I do speak English well but not very comfortable with slang. So whenever anyone speaks with me, I concentrated as if my life depended on it. Once the person has finished speaking, my mind starts deducing…
• Was that a question or a statement?
• Was that directed to me?
• Why is that lady looking scornfully at me, “It wasn’t me, Lady, I came today.”
• Oh that babe just smiled at me YAHOO!!! Ok, she even smiled at the person near the counter, near the fountain, near the table… ok she smiles at every Tom, Dick and Harry. AND I AM TOM, let’s make that clear.
• I am moving away from the topic… screech…

Asyir took me to the canteen and said “Tvgayvby aiuytuir COOK baiuy htiauria FOOD bvuau buft?” Not exactly that way, but I heard it so. Then I started my guess work… We are in the canteen and the person had mentioned “cook” and “food” in the conversation, which should essentially mean “Do you cook?”
I answered yes, he said “Cool”.
HALLELUYAH!! HALLELUYAH!! HALLELUYAH!!

When I went to create my ID card I was photographed. I took one look at the photograph and nearly fainted. Then I realized it was not my photograph, it was of the person before me. Just got mixed up, phew! Then I found my actual photograph, I seemed to be posing for toothpaste commercial. I requested the concerned person for another photograph, maybe he took pity on me (or the people who would be looking at my photograph or maybe he actually got scared), and took another one. This one looked just fine.

After my ID was done I returned to my seat. Let me describe my cubicle. It is a spacious one with a PC and a chair; that’s it.
Duh… were you folks expecting a state of the art cubicle? Geez!! Come down to Planet US where cost cutting is everywhere.

Once settled in my cubicle I found that it did not posses the basic stationeries, you know stapler, stapler pins, scissors, notepads, pen and so on. My pal Asyir helped me out with it and asked me to go and approach a female for the stationeries, let’s call her Jaith. “Oooh a female, hope she looks good”, and with all these expectations I reached her seat. Hmmm… she looked good and was quite a babe. I don’t know but the moment I started speaking with her she was reacting in a weird manner, as though she realized that I was flirting with her.

Need to practice more shouldn’t be this obvious.

Anyways I got the required utilities but before I leave the place let me describe her. She was around 5ft, fair, had a smiling face and was dressed as though she was in a picnic, with cargos and t-shirt. Well you are going to meet more of her in the further episodes, but as of now that’s it.

The entire day was spent trying to figure out ways on how to spend the entire day. I rearranged the stapler and scissors until it was in a spot from where it could fall down anytime. Then I took the notepad and wrote a story, later I realized that it was an exact copy of the “The Thirsty Crow” except that it was a Penguin in this case. OH MY GOD… the kind of things people write when they have no work. I decided to leave it in the drawer; my stapler and scissors fell and I also placed them in the drawer. Suddenly I realized it was time to leave and fact of matter didn’t realize how time flew. I called up Mike (for people who don’t know Mike read the “The Premise” in the Feb 2006 archive); well he was my ticket home. Promptly he picked me up and we left.

From home we went shopping. The entire shopping experience was like going to a Walmart on a sale day (pick up everything before it runs out). Within 5 minutes it was done. By the way we shopped for two weeks of supplies. Back home it was fun time; the folks were calculating everyone’s share in the shopping. And the entire process took 30 minutes with each person calculating his own way. Once it was all done the cooking rite or riot (it sounds the same) started. I was so tired that I dozed off and was woken up at dinner time. Well after dinner it was symphony with crazily sounding trumpets. Aaaaarghhhhh………………

The Premise

Hey folks... I would have loved to introduce myself in a photograph standing on a mountain with bulging biceps and sporting a sunglass, with the sun behind me. But then the sun has its own glory, the sunglasses have their own charisma and the biceps... in any case they won't prevent my photograph from being used to scare adults. So as they say, short and sweet; "I am Bobby".

It’s been quite a while I have been in US and I find that I am still not adjusted to the lifestyle over here. I get up every morning, take a bath (I swear) and try to look my best in the hope that at least some beautiful girl will smile at me. Dreams; they are so nice to think about. Anyways dreams apart let’s get down to business. Before I embarked on my journey to US I had already made my necessary arrangement for accommodation.

When I boarded the plane I knew that life is going to be fun, I am going to meet new people oww!!! oww!!! not exactly new people, new assortment of people. And boy I was not disappointed, to start with... my roommate, lets call him Mike* (not his real name, Mikes please don’t take it personally). I really don’t know how to explain him hmmm… dumb… to some extent. I remember him calling up a guy and asking whether $18/100 CDs are cheaper or $15/100 CDs are cheaper. The other guy gave him a respectable answer, salute to the other guy.
S-A-L-U-T-E

Before I start with people, let me describe to you my accommodation. It is quite large apartment with a huge hall, a huge bedroom, a small bathroom, a kitchen and a balcony. Spacious indeed that’s what I thought till Mike mentioned that another 3 guys are staying over here, which makes us 5. Before we move on to another topic I really need to explain to you the condition of the room. There was a huge pile in the corner consisting of some toys, some suitcases and some members of the Orthopteran family. In case you are wondering what is that, I am referring to cockroaches. I like that, referring to object bombastically.
Anyways it was like ---here a roach, ---there a roach ---everywhere roach roach.
I tiptoed around the house since I didn’t want to step on any roach and incur the wrath of the Roach council.

I went to the bathroom… well it seemed like the bathroom outside a busy bar. Thankfully since the flush was working, it was not stinking.
God save the flush… (everybody in chorus) God save the flush… God save the flush.

The bedroom looked fine to me except that I couldn’t see the floor. C’mon people what would you expect when you have 5 people living in an apartment and sleeping in one room. Anyways I didn’t have much of options so I decided to stay till some agrees to take me in. Oh no no no I am not that difficult person to stay with, its just that I have a bit of systematic approach to things. Ok and let me make this clear I am systematic, but not in a psychotic way. Sorry doctors… (Psst: these docs get very excited when you tell them that you are a psycho, especially the neurotic ones). Neurotic that’s rhymes so well with Erotic eh!!

I had a bath bought some food from the store nearby, warmed it in a microwave with a gallant history of its own (I learned about it later, man I still hate the day I warmed it in the microwave and the dumb Mike didn’t tell me about it). He is soooo soooo dumb. After my so called dinner I retired to bed. That was the first day first show.